This is the first time I am writing in many months and I missed it. This past months have been rough and I haven’t had time nor the motivation to do so. I feel the need to explain what has been happening, not because I feel like I owe you an explanation, but because I feel the need to share and I know how full of love and empathy this community is. At the end of the year, I lost my baggage at the airport and had to wait longer than expected for them to send it back to me, I had my computer there and I couldn’t blog for some time, which is one of the main reasons. The biggest and most important one is depression.
Things get hard in life and they affect us deeply, sometimes everything is okay yet something inside feels wrong. At the beginning of the year I started feeling down for no reason, as if somehow the emptiness inside started to grow. I have never been afraid of it, in some way I think it makes humans special and has a great impact in how we appreciate life, art, beauty; yet there is a difference between controlling the void and letting it control you. All I’ve been wanting to do is to sleep, stare at the stars and think about how meaningless everything seems to be. I couldn't move.
It got worst. A few weeks ago, Marius, my 8 year cat son passed away. Just writing about him brings an ocean of tears to my eyes. It was a matter of hours and I sure wasn’t prepared for letting him go, it was so unexpected. Everyone knows how special the connection we have is. I write it in present, because I know, somehow, he is with me, perhaps, as a furry guardian angel. His departure crushed my soul, yet has opened my eyes. Now I want to be the person he thought I was, even if it is step by step and I am ready to look for help.
Other things have taken place: most people won’t know but I am a baby doctor; I only have three months left of college and I’ll start working a full ship on one of the biggest regional hospitals starting on July 1st as part of my final training. Medicine school isn’t imposible but it hella sure absorbs time. I decided I will post only once a week, instead of three; I think it will keep my motivation up; being serious, this isn’t my job and I don’t want to put that much pressure into one of my few distractions; it became draining at one point and all I want now is to enjoy it.
If you came all the way to the end, I just want to say thank you for spending your time connecting with me, I really appreciate you for it. I am glad to be back and I hope we’ll talk soon.